Time for some Humor!!

[El Rock]

What does dog poop  and women have in common ????







The older they are   , the easier  they are to pick up !!

Come on , it's just a joke

[2tallbill]

What does dog poop  and women have in common ????







The older they are   , the easier  they are to pick up !!

Come on , it's just a joke

Rock, don't worry this is a humor thread.

Bill

[2tallbill]

This was posted in another forum but I copied it here

One afternoon a six years old girl returned from school and announced to her mother

that her fried had just told her where babies came from.

Her mother thought this might be a teaching moment, so she said: "Really sweetie.

why don't you tell me exactly what she told you?"

The little girl began her explanation . "well...okay...It's Like this.

The mommy and the daddy take all their clothes off, and the daddy's penis

sort of stand up , and then the mommy puts it in her mouth, and the sot of explodes and

squirts,.... and that's how we get babies."

Her mother shook her head, learned over to meet her daughter's eyes,

Kissed her on the forehead and said: "Oh no honey, that's sweet , but your friend is wrong

That's not how you get babies ......... that's how you get jewelry"

[2tallbill]

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description how the store operates:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the Value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may Choose to go
up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to
exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor
the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, And
are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs,
Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have
Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a
Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives Store just
across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and can cook too.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited

[2tallbill]

Sorry about the F word

[Mir]

A man comes out of a pub and is walking down the road, obviously drunk. He is holding car keys in his right hand. A policeman stops him; 'Sir can I help you?' Man: 'Officer I can't find my car, they stole my car' Officer: 'Where did you last see it?' Man holds up the keys: 'Well at the end of this' Now the officer notices that the drunk's fly is open. Officer: 'Sir, do you know that you are exposing yourself?' The man looks down and cries: 'Damn it officer, they got my girlfriend as well'

[Mir]

A man walks into a bar and says: 'Give me six double vodkas' The bartender asks : 'Looks like you had a rough day, want to share it?' The man says:'Well I just found out that my elder brother is gay' Next night he comes in again and demands six double vodkas,when asked he replies:'God, I just found out that my younger brother is also gay' The following night he is back, asks for six double vodkas. The barman says: 'Hey doesn't anyone in your family like women?' The man replies:'Yes, my wife'

[Phil dAmore]

A piece of string goes into a bar and orders a drink... the bartender tossed him out saying "we don't serve string here"

Outside, the string is all indignant so he unravels himself a bit and loops into a half-hitch, then goes back inside and orders the drink.

Bartender says "aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"

String says "I'm a frayed knot!"







... The mayor of Phoenix had a big problem.  The city was overrun with pigeons.  They were everywhere, messing all over the sidewalk and even leaving their droppings on peoples heads.  Something had to be done, but he had no idea what to do.

One day a strange man arrived in city hall and told the mayor "I can rid you city of the pigeons"  The mayor asked what the fee would be and the man said " I will do this at no charge provided you don't ask me any questions.  Otherwise the fee is $5 million.

The mayor agreed, and the man set to work.  He went up on the roof of city hall and opened his jacket, taking out a blue pigeon.  He released the blue pigeon to the sky and suddenly all of the other pigeons in the city followed the blue pigeon as he flew southward out of town.  Two days later the blue pigeon returned to the strange man, and by then all of the pigeons in Phoenix had disappeared.

The mayor was amazed!  He went up to the man and presented him a check for $5 million with the explanation that he had to ask the strange man just one question.  The man took the check and agreed to the request.

The mayor asked the strange man....

....
......

....... By any chance do you have a blue Mexican?



That's all folks!

[ScottinCrimea]

George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline

Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop  Using so
much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million
less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down.  Bring our troops
home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant
crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to
Iraq . Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the
military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his
tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He
will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will
probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq
and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse to
serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem
solved. If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it to
your friends.

I just did.
George Carlin

[Phil dAmore]

An Italian, a Jew and an Irishman walk into a bar...

... Bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"



Definition of Heaven:

An American salary
A Russian wife
An English house
Chinese food.

Defintion of Hell:

A Russian salary
An American wife
A Chinese house
English food!

[catzenmouse]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you   want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuzzy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,  "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

[Rvrwind]

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.
It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOM. Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determine just what was happening.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I. I had thought it was a golf term.

[2tallbill]

Well for your information SHIT is a highly technical golf term!

Here are some real facts
shit (v.) 
O.E. scitan, from P.Gmc. *skit-, from PIE *skheid- "split, divide, separate." Related to shed (v.) on the notion of "separation" from the body (cf. L. excrementum, from excernere "to separate"). It is thus a cousin to science and conscience. The noun is O.E. scitte "purging;" sense of "excrement" dates from 1585, from the verb. Despite what you read in an e-mail, "shit" is not an acronym. The notion that it is a recent word may be because the word was taboo from c.1600 and rarely appeared in print (neither Shakespeare not the KJV has it), and even in "vulgar" publications of the late 18c. it is disguised by dashes. It drew the wrath of censors as late as 1922 ("Ulysses" and "The Enormous Room"), scandalized magazine subscribers in 1957 (a Hemingway story in "Atlantic Monthly") and was omitted from some dictionaries as recently as 1970 ("Webster's New World"). Extensive slang usage; verb meaning "to lie, to tease" is from 1934; that of "to disrespect" is from 1903. Noun use for "obnoxious person" is since at least 1508; meaning "misfortune, trouble" is attested from 1937. Shat is a humorous past tense form, not etymological, first recorded 18c. Shite, now a jocular or slightly euphemistic variant, formerly a dialectal variant, reflects the vowel in the O.E. verb (cf. Ger. scheissen). Shit-faced "drunk" is 1960s student slang; shit list is from 1942. To not give a shit "not care" is from 1922; up shit creek "in trouble" is from 1937. Scared shitless first recorded 1936.
Source: Etymology Dictionary

Sorry next post will be a joke

[2tallbill]

Soon after a WM married his beautiful Russian bride his Mother stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her Russian daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for LyubImaya moyA (my sweetheart) to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My darling loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

[Phil dAmore]

A man gets married and all is well with the new couple for a few weeks... but then one night the man is missing his old friends down at the bar he used to hang out in so he tells his new wife that he wants to go have a drink with his old buddies.

The wife smiles and cheerfully leads him to the basement where he is surprised to see that a fully-stocked bar has been installed.  "Look" she says "Now you can have a drink anytime you want".  The man looks at her and says "This is great honey, but at the bar they have all kinds of little snacks"...

...The wife, still smiling leads him upstairs to the kitchen where she pulls out a huge plate of chicken wings, spring rolls, peanuts and other assorted bar food.  "Look", she says..."Here  are all the snacks you want, just for you"....

... The man is pleased, but still wants to go out so he says "But sweetie, at the bar they have sports on the TV and I can enjoy a good cigar"  The wife, continuing to smile shows him the brand-new 72-inch plasma TV she bought and presents him with a box of Cuban cigars. "Look, Now you can have anything you want right at home" she sweetly coos...

The man, who is  desparate now because he really wants to go out says "But honey... at the bar there is cursing"

The wife says "Look"  SIT THE F*CK DOWN, DRINK YOUR G*DDAMN DRINK, EAT THESE MOTHERF*CKIN SNACKS, WATCH YOUR BULLSH*T SPORTS AND SMOKE YOUR F*CKING CIGAR.  YOU AREN'T GOING TO THE BAR.... GET IT?

[2tallbill]

Yeah he should have said he missed his mates

Bill

[Phil dAmore]

.... Always remember, 47.3% of all statistics are made up on the spot!

[2tallbill]

A tall handsome man is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

The cute woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The man explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''

The man smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody things running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?

[Lily]

May I ask you a question guys..if a man in a social situation says to a woman 'may I buy you a drink', is he telling that he is interested in her, or is he just being gentlemanly polite? ???

[Kuna]

May I ask you a question guys..if a man in a social situation says to a woman 'may I buy you a drink', is he telling that he is interested in her, or is he just being gentlemanly polite? ???

He's interested!   

[2tallbill]

He's interested!   

Yes, he is interested

Bill

[jb]

Not only is he interested, he also has a goal and the objective is in sight.   

[Phil dAmore]

Oh he's interested all right... but WHAT he is interested in may not be what you are interested in... or then again, it may be...

[SANDRO43]

Oh he's interested all right... but WHAT he is interested in may not be what you are interested in... or then again, it may be...

INTEREST:

c.1425, earlier interesse (c.1374), from Anglo-Fr. interesse "what one has a legal concern in," from M.L. interesse "compensation for loss," from L. interresse "to concern, make a difference, be of importance," lit. "to be between," from inter- "between" + esse "to be." Form influenced 15c. by O.Fr. interest "damage," from L. interest "it is of importance, it makes a difference," third pers. sing. present of interresse..." Meaning "curiosity" is first attested 1771. Interesting meant "important" (1711); later "of interest" (1768).

(http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?search=INTEREST&searchmode=none)

Etymologically, then he wants to be between (sentence object(s) deliberately unspecified).

[2tallbill]

Memorial Day Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at
the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered
with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the
pastor walked up, stood beside the boy and said quietly, "Good morning
Alex."

"Good morning Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the
plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the men and women who have died in
the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the
9:00 or the 10:30 service?"