Would you marry a woman with a child?

[groovlstk]

Well, I never thought we cornered the market of lax mores and eating two "southern style" hot dogs might be more laborous than "a quickie" in America, but I can't believe that such mores are any different. 
Christian

Christian, before you invest a lot of time and energy in all this, may I suggest some reading material? It's slightly dated but, based on my experiences in Ukraine and Russia, spot on.

[Christian]

What's that waaaay up there?

It's a bird!

It's a plane!

It's a frog! A frog?

No, no little ones. It's just christian up there on his high horse looking down on you base creatures who are as animals in the muck. Cast off your evil ways and follow the light of truth and embrace the enlightenment shining forth from his sword of righteousness and morality!

 

I thought you ignored me?  I know, you are a like a restless sea....  But let me set the record straight (no, sadly not once for all) Christians are saved by grace - God's free unmerited grace - through no merit of their own.  Sorry to disappoint you but I'm not the one who sits on a (white) horse and is holier than thou.

Your analogy is in fact unintelligible.

Show a little integrity - ignore me, please.

Christian

[Jazzyclassy]

I like how Christian is expressing his opinion it is unique and very interesting to read , unlike all the insults and bullies  which old members got used to produce 

[Christian]

Christian, before you invest a lot of time and energy in all this, may I suggest some reading material? It's slightly dated but, based on my experiences in Ukraine and Russia, spot on.

Thank you for the reference to the book.  I already know the 90's were hellish from reading elsewhere.  Nevertheless, I will read the book.

It's odd though how Playboy heralds the book in a review but yet exploits women for its own sordid gain.  Hugh can screw as many as he likes - but he ain't my mentor.

BTW, some go to FSU to find a good wife; others a bad one forgiven.

Christian

[Mir]

Dogs mate indiscriminately.  They go on four legs.  Man who walks upright and who posses reason as well as instinct has reverted back to base animal instincts of his own choosing discarding responsibility etc.

Most men are also on four legs when they mate (well most of such episodes anyway)

[Misha]

BTW, some go to FSU to find a good wife; others a bad one forgiven.

What does this mean? Christian, it seems to me that you are trying to be erudite, but most of the time I can't decipher what you are saying. Have you ever heard of the K.I.S.S. rule? Keep It Simple Stupid. It was one of the best things that my grade 5 teacher ever taught us.  The other gem that passed on to us: never ASSUME anything as you will make an ASS out of U and ME.

[Christian]

What does this mean? Christian, it seems to me that you are trying to be erudite, but most of the time I can't decipher what you are saying. Have you ever heard of the K.I.S.S. rule? Keep It Simple Stupid. It was one of the best things that my grade 5 teacher ever taught us.  The other gem that passed on to us: never ASSUME anything as you will make an ASS out of U and ME.

Well I know there are cultural as well as linguistic differenecs that exist and granted there are none linguistic concepts that may be at first difficult to understand, but if good and bad are moral categories, then the idea can't be that hard to comprehend.

BTW, I am an educated individual.

Christian

[catzenmouse]

BTW, I am an educated individual.

Master's Degree in Pompous Self Aggrandizement?

With a Doctorate in If I Say It Then It Is A Fact?

Awesome Book Lernin' Dude!

[Christian]

Master's Degree in Pompous Self Aggrandizement?

With a Doctorate in If I Say It Then It Is A Fact?

Awesome Book Lernin' Dude!

Yes I'm finite, limited in capacity.  My knowledge is derivitive - a far cry from the Alpha and the Omega.

Christian

[BC]

Most men are also on four legs when they mate (well most of such episodes anyway)

Yep.. even 'Missionary Style'.

[Flyfisheron]

Here we go again.  Yet another topic that is going to turn into nothing more than a battle of wits between unarmed men.

At what point does a Mod finally step in and start pulling thses things back on topic?

Can someone not just start a seperate forum labeled "Arguing with Christian", so that the schoolyard diatribes can carry on there, and the rest of us can just be done with it?

[Jazzyclassy]

Here we go again.  Yet another topic that is going to turn into nothing more than a battle of wits between unarmed men.

At what point does a Mod finally step in and start pulling thses things back on topic?

Can someone not just start a seperate forum labeled "Arguing with Christian", so that the schoolyard diatribes can carry on there, and the rest of us can just be done with it?

yeah it is exactly so , they hate people with individuality with an interesting point of view, with some fresh statements
I personally laugh all the time, reading how our old guys are struggling with somebody new in the forum, I think those old men should  have a rest.....

Back to the topic please

[pk-uk]

A single/divorced woman with a child(especially with children) has low and almost zero chances(in small towns) in Russia to get married again. Very often when her friends find a "good match" for her that she doesn't like she is often forced to having relationships by remarks like "think about your child/children, s/he/they need a father..."

Aren't you afraid that their "maturity" is often explained not with a great love and life experience of her but with desire to give a parent to her child/children, that's why she ignores her own true feelings and the main criteria is material possessions to upbring a child and the attitude of her partner towards her children and "if it's good for them it's good for me" point of view?!
I have met 2 women who had that attitude in the past, one of them married a foreign man.
At the same time this attitude has a plus as a woman may have lower criterias and is less demanding and is really thankful to her partner for making this for her and her children and this makes her more attractive for a man.

This is very good point Serebro and, of course I know that there women in my country who might do the same.  So it is something anyone seeking a wife should be aware of.  And, yes, I was afraid of it.

That is why, to me, the way in which the woman treated me and how interested she was in me (by actions & questions) was VERY important. Some e.g. the girl who took me to the department store to show me the type of trainers her little boy liked immediately went on the "I don't think so" list.  (note to Jazzy - not very easy to spot this kind of behaviour/personality through letters & phone calls).

Then of course, there is the stereotype of the knight on a white horse, somewhat common, I've heard, who goes in with a fistful of dollars - OK might need two fistfuls now  - to "rescue" such women.  Of course such women might be of interest to such a person, but we are all individuals and it is up to us to make sure the other person is the one we want to marry - for whatever reason.  Who are we to judge?

Paul 

[pk-uk]

Most men are also on four legs when they mate 

How boring most men must be 

Ooops sorry, forgot to say.  IMO and to a woman 

[FredC]

I'll get this one back on topic. I've dated American women with kids, and did not exclude women with kids in my search. Actually, considering that I'm 46 and can't have kids of my own, I prefer a lady with at least one child. I also state in my profile that if the lady wants more children then she needs to look further than me.

[apple47]

            My wife has 3 daughters,now 14,16 and 21.  They were 9,11 and16 when we first started writing.  The oldest girl stayed in Kazakhstan as she qualified for a state paid for education and she even prefered to stay anyway.    My son and daughter were   fully grown and living with the ex.
             My wife is a wonderful person,so I had no fear that her girls would also be great people.  I wasn't wrong.   I enjoy the very best of care from 3  very wonderful women .   There is no question that I am loved by all and I couldn't love them more.

               When I was in search mode,my lower age limit was 40 tears old. I was 50. At that age I expected to find  ,mostly,women with children.    I had no preference concerning children other than not wanting to deal with any toddlers. Just my method of elimination ,eliminated all those women without children.


                                                        ...Larry

[mendeleyev]

Holey moley, I'd pose the question of 'would you marry a woman with NO kids?!'

My post is not meant to belittle good men on this board who have married a much younger lady.  We were in different circumstances and simply chose different paths.  But I don't hesitate to point out to new travelers the danger of thinking only with the head that lies below your belt.

Being a single father who raised my daughters, there was no way I was about to allow some 20+ year old bikini clad bimbo come into my life with my daughters.  I raised them to be intelligent and rational--they would have sent me packing back to Russia if I blew something that simple.

I knew that my wife needed to be someone mature and who already had experience as a mother in order to be accepted into my immediate family.  Life is too serious and there are things far more important in life than arm candy. 

Today our blended family has 3 daughters.  The oldest is getting married this fall.  The youngest is a first year student at Moscow State Univ in Moscow.  We've weathered some storms....and thank God she was mature and committed else we might not have made it.  I am a very lucky man, my RW is very beautiful to this day, even over 40 and I wouldn't change a thing.

[docetae]

Like Mendeleyev, I have dated only women with child. Father of 3 children, sharing custody of them, I can't imagine a woman a lot younger with no children coming in our world. I am engaged now with a woman who has one son, and I have no doubt that all will be good when we will be all on same side of the ocean.

[Jet]

In our case, Kolya was 3 when Lil and I met and I can't imagine things working out more perfectly regarding adjustment to a new country and adaptation to a new family - for all of us. By the time he came to the US, he was 5 and went straight into kindergarten here. We were also sort of blessed that the teacher of the class he was assigned to, was a Polish immigrant who came here some 15 years ago, but still remembered enough Russian language to be able to guide him through some of the things he didn't quite understand clearly and help him integrate into his new school community.

For me personally, I would have had to think long and hard if he had been 10 years older than he was, before committing to marriage. Teenage years are volatile enough without throwing intercontinental relocation into the mix.  Kolya is 9 now and although he is very American, he is still very Russian in many ways. He is still highly dependent on Mama, not because he needs to be, but because he seems to like being a mama's boy. Those that consider making a life with a woman who already has at least 1 child, would do very well to go back and re-read what Phil DeAmore wrote earlier in this thread here. It's important to know and remember!

[docetae]

In my case, he is now 11, soon 12, close to 13 when he will arrive in Canada. I have now a double correspondence, talking with mother but with him too, exchanging letter with him. I know my role will not to be father for him, but best friend.

[Caperone]

At my age, I expect to have my own kids. I don't totally close the door to a woman with a kid, but that's unlikely I'd go this way.

[planner]

I married a woman who had a child who was 13 at the time we started the immigration process.  I just wanted to add to the discussion some practical considerations learned during the process.  He is now 19 and enrolled in a University.  So working back from this point it might be important to consider that high school grades are factored into the grades used to determine entrance requirements and scholarship awards.  If you bring a child into the USA during their high school years they may have lower grades their first year or so based on cultural and language adjustments.  As pk-uk mentioned 15 is just the wrong age to introduce them into the education system.  (Of course if the woman your marrying is just the right one, none of this matters.)

Then there is the scholarship issue, if your not independantly wealthy, to assist with university costs.  To receive many of the scholarships they need to be a U.S. citizen.  Working back from age 18 they need to be in conditional resident status for 5 years prior to applying for naturalization (3 years for wives).  After applying it now takes up to 1.5 years for this process to end with naturalization.  Prior to becoming a permanent resident you must meet, apply for an entry visa, get married, adjust status, etc.  So if you want them to blend into the system well it's best to go with women with children who's ages are 10 and below at the time you start the immigration visa process. 

And just throw those considerations out the window if you fit each other well and she has older children.  It's just a couple of things to consider.  I'd shoot for 8 years old and below when starting the letter writing process if I was doing this again.

[Catman]

I recently have started writing a few girls, some from Ukraine, some from Russia, all very attractive. One girl from Ukraine has a 4 month old son. So far she has become my favorite. I checked yes on the poll. I'm 40 without children but like kids and have no problem with this. I just hope that if this gets serious and I visit her that she will not be the survivor type only interested in a provider father.

[mendeleyev]

4 months means that only 11 months ago she was in a relationship with another man which was deep enough that it produced a baby.  I don't mean to be critical, but personally I'd be looking for the quickest выход door (exit).   

Baby and the more than obvious need for a father/provider aside, one would have to question if she is free emotionally and mentally to have gone thru all the stages of letting go of one relationship and having the time to enter a new relationship at least relatively free of vestiges of the past.  Professionals call these "rebound" relationships and they seldom last very long.

Slavic women are very strong-willed and don't like to be rescued....especially so after having been rescued.  They tend not to respect men who in their view are 'weak' and I've not met many Slavic women who didn't have a tendency to look at typical western kindheartness in men as at least a potential weakness. 

[Serebro]

4 months means that only 11 months ago she was in a relationship with another man which was deep enough that it produced a baby.  I don't mean to be critical, but personally I'd be looking for the quickest выход door (exit).   

Baby and the more than obvious need for a father/provider aside, one would have to question if she is free emotionally and mentally to have gone thru all the stages of letting go of one relationship and having the time to enter a new relationship at least relatively free of vestiges of the past.  Professionals call these "rebound" relationships and they seldom last very long.

Slavic women are very strong-willed and don't like to be rescued....especially so after having been rescued.  They tend not to respect men who in their view are 'weak' and I've not met many Slavic women who didn't have a tendency to look at typical western kindheartness in men as at least a potential weakness. 

I agree, when he said 4 months it made me count months when the child "was made"...
after you meet her  a few times and present an engagement ring her ex may come with a bottle of beer and potato chips, stand on his knees and ask her to be a family with him as he had time to think and he wants a family now...