Experiencing the Cinderella Complex: I married a FSU woman

[DKMM]

Hoo boy, OK gousa I think you are a nice person so I'd like to give you some advice.

As you must know, inheritence is yours when you get married and she doesn't have a right to it.  If you buy an asset and transfer title to her (ie a house) then you just took it out of that protective bubble.  It's easier when you put it in a trust and keep the assets titled to the trust (which you SHOULD have done before you got married, if not, fire your attorney and accountant pronto [you might even be able to sue them]).

OK that said, why on earth did you buy a house with cash?  You could have taken a mortgage on it, so she owns 10% of the house, not 50% (because you only put 20% down, catch my drift?) 

That's just the basics.  Good luck sir.

[gousa]

for DKMM,

Thanks for the concern and I already have a Family Limited Partnership.  But I am the sole general partner and proprietor.
And that may be something like what you are refering to.
But unfortunately  the state that we resided in was inconsiderate of any
corporations or partnerships.   All transactions are divisible through marriage
in that state.
 

[DKMM]

What kind of state is this?

And I'm familiar with FLP's I have one myself where my own inheritence is tucked away.

[gousa]

Yes, thanks DKMM

I filed a complaint with the Florida Bar about one of them.   Yup it's good old Florida.  Florida just plain screws people like me.  It's unavoidable.  I think hat's why a lot of Florida people get offshore accounts at banks in the Bahamas.

I weighed the issue at the time and decided that throwing the money at her was
as good or better that throwing it at the bank with a mortgage.   I just didn't want to do the mortgage thing.   That's another way of throwing caution to the wind.  I thought she would appreciate it and maybe she does, but she wanted everything else too and I couldn't stop that.  Thanks for stopping by.

[viking]

Without being rude here you keep talking about all this inheritance money. Do you work for a living or is all this money you spent been given to you and you did not earn any? If so, she basically spent SOMEONE ELSE"S money and not yours (so to speak). Sometimes one's own hard earned money is less likely to be spent so foolishly.

[BC]

I just skimmed this and a few thoughts come to mind.

First you are probably extremely lucky that you aren't sitting in jail facing DV charges which is a character plus on her side.

Second, the biggest problem with being rich is staying that way.  Your skills in this area seem very weak..  along the lines of a lotto millionaire gone wild.

Third, there is nothing wrong with sharing your a$$ets with your wife.  I'm sure you both enjoyed doing exactly that early on which 'set the stage' as far as future lifestyle is concerned.  At some point your attitude changed.  I get the feeling that your wife is not the only person that you feel has taken advantage of you.  You probably realized this at some point in time, or that you were creating a lifestyle that could not be supported living off interest from your inheritance alone.. maybe this was the same point in time that your marriage was degrading.. maybe you realized that true love can't be bought.. a whole lot of possibilities.

Is it possible you threw the baby out with the bath water?

Of course all of the above is just wild guessing on my part based on your posts.  Don't take anything personal that has missed the mark wildly.

[I/O]

I'm missing something here. Spent 200k on her including a house? Musta bin a cheap ol' house or was that trailer? Gousa, goodness, half the OMB's on here prolly spent more than 200k on their ol' ladies EXcluding the house..........well that might be stretching it a bit but................

Now lemmie see the maths here. She was loving and the sex was on tap right? Well lessay 3 nights per week average. Whats a good hooker cost these days? $400 a ride? Thats $1200 a week right? 156 weeks @ $1200 = $187200.00. And..........you saved the gas to go visit the hooker. And.....these Russki girls hump a ways sight better than the good ol' US of A girls so there is a bit of value adding there to take into account. Now, the maths add up to a pretty good deal when you think about it. Your problem is you're only looking at the negatives. Need to look at the positives.

Sad story. Hope it doesn't happen to me because I'll be way further down the toilet than 200k.

I/O

[Jumper]

  She wanted to be taken care of forever plain and simple.

you hadn't told the part about completely immature or irresponcible "i wants" before
only alluded to it .
anyway , you never noticed this trait when you were dating her?

You said the first year was "ok"
so maybe she changed??
but your initial proposal ,was when she was here on a K1 it seems anyway?
so if she had already  acted poorly enough to turn off your romance by then,,
yeah marrying was a real bad idea.. !!

 If her character was as you describe, you certainly did NOT find a good one...
I know lots of *good ones* ..none act anything like that.

I am sorry you hooked up with a person of bad character..
but its odd she showed no signs of her true character durng your initial dating...

Just cuirious,-
How long did you know her, or how many times visiting her.?
any real time to determine what she was like and her friends and family?
any signs she was this type of person , that you might have missed.,,
but look back on now and see there were  warning signs? perhaps?

these questions are to help others...
*shrugs*

 It does sound like you tried to please her, but finally decided it would never end,
and enough was enough..

Not all RW are like that though,plenty of husbands here with wifes that contribute to the relationship equally.


 
 

[diverboy70]

First of all I must agree with some posters abow, you can't talk about love if those important factors are missing in the relationship.

I get the feeling that you really didn't know who you married. I think that if you had given it more time you might have spotted those negative personal traits in her earlier and avoided the whole disaster.

How did the courting phase look like? How many visits? You can learn a lot about your lady by watching her interact with family and friends.

corresponcende, telephone call?

The fact that her child was so spoiled would also raise some concern and red flags for me.

With that inherited money you could have taken your time, visited a her a number of times to be sure she really was who you were looking for.

[2tallbill]

There is no such thing as a "postnup".

I wish jb would come back, as I am not nearly as good at this as he is.

Stevie, just because you have never heard of something doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

http://www.findlegalforms.com/product/postnuptial-agreement/

http://marketplace.publicradio.org/display/web/2006/07/07/post_nuptial/

http://www.ackrichlaw.com/PracticeAreas/Post-Nuptial-Agreements.asp

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/463996/postnuptial_agreement_how_to_tell_your.html

http://marriage.about.com/od/agreements/a/postnuptial.htm

[Shadow]

gousa while dating her did you never notice the 'I want' ? Or were you thinking that giving her a life in the US would stop that ?

[Bruce]

GoUSA - appreciate your story.  I find much truth to it.  The Cinderella Complex is definitely alive and flourishing in Russia as well as other countries out there.  One has to choose wisely.  Many girls have such negative influences when they arrive here by females in our society, especially ones own relatives it is tough to stay happily married.  Your story is a word for the wise because I believe many aspects of it are way more common than the "rah, rah" crowd is ready to admit.

[GreginGa]

These are the kinds of stories that guys learn from. Do your homework and dont let the sex cloud your thought process. I know that can be a difficult thing to do at times but it has to be done. I guess it would take an attorney to tell you if your first attorney could be somewhat liable for dropping the ball and misrepresenting himself as a family lawyer. I dont know you and neither does anyone else here. You might be a total whack job and she might deserve everything and more. I dont think that is the case. It just goes to show that guys do not need to rush these things. Make the trips over to actually get to know the girl you are planning on spending the rest of your life with. I hope this works out for you. You're probably a trusting guy that got burned. Maybe karma will bite her in the ass.

[Turboguy]

Gezze, am I glad I read this thread BEFORE I at my breakfast.   I think I would have heaved if I had read it after.

GoUSA, A long time ago I was classed as a member of the Rah-Rah, club, maybe even it’s president for giving support and encouragement to hopeless losers.   Must be something in the water than a Russian woman feeds her husband because I have noted that the longer someone is married to a RW the more they recognize when someone has a line of crap.

I wish jb would come back, as I am not nearly as good at this as he is.

I agree Bill,  I would love to see what jb would say to this guy.  I can’t hold a candle to jb but I just have to say what I think a lot of guys are thinking.   

  Her English was lousy which didn't help the fact that she really didn't want to work or support herself or contribute to the relationship in any other way and she didn't work for three years until our conflicts became so ridiculous that I moved out and filed divorce. 

 

My mom died from colon cancer a few years ago and that's when I got the inheritance and had some hopes for marriage.  Before that I had nothing.  But I am well educated and I could always find something, just not enough to be married.   

So, your complaint with her was she would not work yet it sounds to me exactly like you didn’t like to work much yourself.  You could find something to get by but even though you have a good education you were able to do exactly nothing with your life until you got your inheritance.    Sounds to me like the pot calling the kettle black.

She was always interested in unnecessary things and we had more than one argument about the Corvette she wanted. 

I spent 10,000 on a used car for her with a new engine. 

B.F.D.   My wife would love a Nissan 350Z but she is driving a 2000 Mercury Cougar.  Personally I would like a Lear Jet, an estate on a private island and a bunch of servants but I will settle for my house here and flying coach.

She was a doctor in Russia but she didn't want to work even as a nurse here.   She is a 12 dollar an hour phlebotomist now which is the lowest, easiest,  and incidently the best and only position she could find without going into nursing, which she refused to do.   

  When I asked my spouse  if I could have half of  her meager inheritance she practically laughed at me, saying that would never work.   

It sounds to me like you were the real GOLD DIGGER in the relationship.   That you thought you were marrying a Doctor who could come here and make a few hundred thousand a year and keep you in the lifestyle you dreamed of.   I can’t believe after all the efforts you made to protect your money that you had the gall to ask for part of her inheritance.   

GoUSA, you had a beautiful wife that gave you all the great sex you wanted, was faithful to you, cleaned, washed clothes, tried hard to keep the marriage together.   You in tern spent tens of thousands protecting yourself from her, paid cash for a $ 75,000 house in Florida where real estate prices are high,   (can you even get a double wide there for that?), you complained about expenses that are similar to what we all have.  ( I have been married 8 months now and we tallied up $ 25.000 and my wife is very frugal)

First,   I think you should give away your inheritance.  It is making you paranoid and turning you into an even more worthless person than you were before.

Second, you should be thankful you found such a wonderful woman and got to share a few years with her.   Cinderella, wherever you are, you should have spend more time getting to know this guy before agreeing to marry him.   You deserved much better.

GoUSA, you are probably an ok guy.   I agree you were not ready for marriage and if you were not ready at that point in your life perhaps staying single might be the best thing for you.   I see the problem not as you marrying the wrong person; she was the one who did that.   I think you just had no idea what you were getting into and too limited knowledge about your role as a husband and provider.  Frankly she married a loser.  You might be ok as a person but as a husband you are a loser. 

[Maxx2]

Hello GoUSA. Fellow "crash-n-burn" victim here only I seen what I married (in Russia) within a month of her arrival here and started my grand exit.

If misery loves company you might appreciate this from a fellow named Bean, circa 2006

Bean wrote:

"My wife and step daughter ar crazy IMHO!

My wife accuses me of "lying to her, cheating her and destroying her life." Acoording to her I have stolen 3 years of her life.

How about if we review the last 3 1/2 years:

1 trip to Spain ( Barcelona and Costa Brava)

1 Trip to Italy ( Rome, Florence, Vienna, Amalfi, Sorrento, Capri etc)

1 Trip to Domincan Republic All Inclusive for 2 Weeks

2 Motor Home trips of 6 weeks plus

2 Sailing trips of 6 weeks plus on a new 40' Catalina sailboat

3 trips to Florida from the Midwest

3 trips to Russia for more than 3 weeks each

1 trip to All inclusive resort in Turkey.

Never worked or contributed in any way to anything.

Demanded money of numerous occaisions. When my parents made a significant $ gift at Christmas she demand 1/2

She is now on the deed to my home and mortgage.


According to her "I have lied to her, cheated her and destroyed her life."

The last time I tried to have a conversation with her she accused me of stealing 3 years from her life.

I tried to point out:

1 She has travelled the world.

2 She has never worked or contibuted to our life.

3 She now speaks English.

4 She is a permament resident of the US.

5 She has a drivers license and a new car. (Buick Rendevous)

6 Her daughter will be a University Graduate in 5 months. ( She has lived with us in the US for 3 + years.)

7 They have destroyed and totalled 2 cars.

8 My step daughter has spent every summer in Russia since they arrived 4 years ago.

9 blah, blah, blah

I could gone forever!

IMHO, you are crazy to marry a RW!

Bean
 
I am not done with my "RANT"

Will someone please explain to me how I "lied to her, cheated her and destroyed her life." How did I "steal 3 + years of her life?"

Richard asked if any board members could identify any personality or charcater disorders common to RW. I have tried to establish relationshipswith other RW/AM couples. Their experience is the same as mine. They (AM) dedicate, sacrifice and and give, give, give. It is never enough or good enough. Give them a 1 and 1/2 carat diamond and as soon as the see a RW with 2 carats.....you have effed up!

My conclusion is that my experience is typical.

My wife and step daughter are not bad people. They are simply products of their environment. They came her for a better life and simply couldn't figure out when they had it.

Needless to say, my marriage is over! This was the biggest mistake of my life!

I can't wait until I am out of this BS!

Bean
 
BTW, for those of you who suspect I am chauvinistic or demanding and perhaps my mental health is the cause of our failure, please be informed that I never had any domestic expectaions.

I never asked or expected my wife to cook, clean, do laundry or any other domestice "chores." From day one I simply asked her to be happy, enjoy life and try not to be too critical. She couldn't do it! She had platinum credit cards, debi cards, check book etc.

She was simply incapable of not judging me, criticising me and complaining. The more I gave the more she complained!

My experience with my "RW" is bizarre!

Perhaps I am totally at fault. I think I was way too generous in the beginning. I think I created an unrealistic expectation. I loved her and wanted to change her life. I phucked up! Big Time!

She's miserable and so am I. Hopefully we will find a way out of this mess!

Bean
 
4 plus years later and they still only speak
russian to each other at home. Right in front of me and all the time.

To my fault and at my expense I still have no idea what they are talking about. All I know is that the vocabulary is harsh, often loud screaming, guttaral and often refers to me.

I have made repeated requests. "english only in the kitchen and dining room, to no avail.

I do know that the aftermath to their conversation is not good for my wife. my step daughter and especially for me.

Had I known I was marrying a woman so I could pay tribute her beauty, intelligence and sophistication I would'nt have gone through with it. If what you say is true and is typical or usual for RW then most of theses marriages are doomed.

It also answers Richard's origianl question regarding common character or personality disorders.

You may be on to something. If you are it needs to be published in the tablets something like this:

"One very good reason to marry an RW is so you will have someone to demean you, insult you and criticize you. Following her critique and condemnation you will be allowed to pay her tribute for her beauty and intelligence."

For the record, I married to have a life partner to love and share my life with.


Bean

(Not Maxx ^ )

[Gator]

Maxx,

Thanks for the Beanster memories.

I do not believe that gousa's wife is as bad as Bean's ex-wife.

[Maxx2]

Maxx,

Thanks for the Beanster memories.

I do not believe that gousa's wife is as bad as Bean's ex-wife.

I agree and I hope he takes comfort in that. At least she worked outside the home.

Last I remembered on Bean's saga was that she totaled the 3rd car. They were all new Buick Rendevous. That his wife and daughter got into an argument and one of them threw a rock and hit the other in the head. There was blood. Last I heard he filed for a divorce and was preparing himself for a good shakedown.


Maxx

[GreginGa]

I dont understand why some of you are trying to light this guys ass up. I dont think the guy was wrong for expecting his wife to actually hold a job and contribute to the family. It's not right for this woman to get half of this guys inheritance as well Throw in a kid that obviously needed his ass beat a long time ago and you have the makings for a train wreck. All I can tell you big guy is I wish it hadnt happened to you and hopefully someone here can learn from it and protect themselves.

[Shadow]

I dont understand why some of you are trying to light this guys ass up. I dont think the guy was wrong for expecting his wife to actually hold a job and contribute to the family. It's not right for this woman to get half of this guys inheritance as well Throw in a kid that obviously needed his ass beat a long time ago and you have the makings for a train wreck. All I can tell you big guy is I wish it hadnt happened to you and hopefully someone here can learn from it and protect themselves.

Perhaps it is because he is ranting about all the bad that happened to him, but not giving answer to questions that might reveal his own mistakes. What happened is something that you do not wish to any of the people involved in this story.

[BC]

I dont understand why some of you are trying to light this guys ass up. I dont think the guy was wrong for expecting his wife to actually hold a job and contribute to the family. It's not right for this woman to get half of this guys inheritance as well Throw in a kid that obviously needed his ass beat a long time ago and you have the makings for a train wreck. All I can tell you big guy is I wish it hadnt happened to you and hopefully someone here can learn from it and protect themselves.

Greg,

From the start he said she could not touch his inheritance.  She would only have access to half of whatever he pulled out of the inheritance.

If I hand over keys to a car and say 'here honey.. it's yours' that is called a gift.  Same with the keys to a house etc.. or the cash I gave her to buy clothes etc etc..

The 'gifts' are hers and complaining about later it is moot.

'Setting the stage' of the living conditions that are to be realistically expected begins long before marriage and certainly not after lavishing her with gifts, cars and a home paid with cash.  What the heck does she know about his finances other than he can obviously afford it so of course things soured when the pot of luck dried up.. 'Why all of a sudden do I have to work when he doesn't even have a job..

Never promise (or even come close to implying) anything you cannot fulfill to a RW that doesn't know squat about your financial position.  An AW would likely know a lot more about how things work and could judge his actions, and if truly in love would put a finger in the dike before it broke.  A RW suddenly confused by furious back-paddling just might react with a put up or shut up attitude.

If this 'inheritance' was of considerable amount (talking tens of millions++) I'm sure his mother's lawyer would have advised her about a trust or something that would be quite generous and provide for later generations and respect the work of generations before rather than blown by one.  Maybe this is the case but it doesn't provide enough regular cash to support the lifestyle they were living.  I tip on a modest inheritance that is already showing a sizable dent in it vs a lifestyle 'promise' that can't be supported for long.

It is wrong IMHO to create expectations that cannot be fulfilled.

When I proposed to my wife I told her flat out that the only thing I could guarantee in the way of lifestyle is a solid roof over our head and good food on the table.  I even went as far to mention from time to time while we were dating that the company I was working for was footing the bill when we stayed at the nicer hotels, or fancy restaurants etc and that I was burning up free tickets from my airline miles account.  This was well.. mostly true, but her acceptance of my proposal and the conditions thereof well preserved in memory.

FWIW

[KenC]

Interesting thread.

Cinderella's are not born "Cinderella's" they are created by men.  I dare say that the person suffering from a "Cinderella complex" here is goUSA, not his RW.  He certainly cast himself in the role of "Prince Charming" from the beginning.  Unfortunately, the "Prince" in this story has limited or no ability to earn the finances that are necessary to support his princely obligations.  As his paranoia increased as his pot of gold diminished, he needed someone to blame.  His newly created "Cinderella" became the obvious target.

This tragedy was self induced.  GoUSA created a fairy tale that he himself could not live up to.
KenC

(Turbo, welcome to the "darkside.") 

[Turboguy]

There is definitely something called a postnup.  In fact there are a few issues that must be dealt with by a postnup and can't be dealt with in a prenup.  

I think a teenager can bring a lot of joy to a marriage and I think they can also go a long way to ruining one.   I met a few ladies who had kids that would have scared me to death at the thought what they could do to a relationship.   I know SOC very well and his wife's son is a great kid but he does create a lot of problems and issues in their marriage.   SOC has done a great job of trying to be a good dad but he does have his hands full at times.

I do think some of these ladies watch TV and picture life in America like they see on TV.  We all know that few of us live that way.  

KenC,  LOL,  give me a few years.  You haven't seen anything yet.

I do agree that it is very important to be very upfront about our financial conditions.   Just as BC did, I was quite upfront with VWRW and I think what she found when she got here was just what she expected.   I do think it does not matter so much what we have it is what we have compared to what they expect that matters.   Disappointment is really unfulfilled expectations.

Truthfully I think there was mistakes on both parts.  I think what bothered me is that she seemed to be trying to fulfill the role of a wife much more than he tried to fulfill his role as a husband.   When you marry someone it is a partnership in our life.  What is his is hers.  VWRW and I planned to do a prenup.  It got as far as getting one written up and in the end we decided to throw it in the trash.  I trust her or I never would have married her.   I spent enough time with her to know who I was marrying and getting married to someone you don't know is always a gamble.

From what I have read someone who is divorced one time if far more likely to get divorced again but I do think a marriage does give some preparation for living with your next wife.   I think that was missing in this situation.   I think had he read RWD for a few years he might have gone in a little wiser and more prepared for life with a RW.  

[Maxx2]

Gousa made three mistakes

1) He chose the wrong women

2) He chose not to get out of what looked like a doomed marriage quickly

3) He further entangled himself financially with her as this time went by.

Why? because of the "previous investment trap" and sex. He like most of us put so much money and time into getting our RW over here. Then to cut one's loses at the first acknowledgement that the marriage won't work is a difficult thing for a guy to do. What other reason? It's the hot sex. A guy figures he's got to get something out of all the time and money he has spent on her. So he puts up with her money grubbing. Gets his hot sex. Finally the money grubbing gets to be too much and he decides now is the time to pull the plug.... Maybe. I see guys who get put into false DV situations who decide to give it a second go and kiss and makeup always to their regret as they get set up even worse the second time. I swear judges' punish these guys mainly for their stupidity. Now if she had put the big freeze on him once he married her and gave him lousy sex he would no doubt have gotten to an attorney as soon as possible.   

Maxx

[KenC]

I disagree with your analysis, Max.  I think this thread was started by goUSA in a sour grapes vein of thinking.  I get the impression that everything was "hunky dory" for quite a while until our "Prince" realized he could not maintain the current lifestyle without eating up his inheritance.  You said:

Gousa made three mistakes

1) He chose the wrong women

2) He chose not to get out of what looked like a doomed marriage quickly

3) He further entangled himself financially with her as this time went by.

1) What woman would not accept the role of "Cinderella"?  Most would IMO.  It was goUSA's misguided motivations that are in error here.  I imagine no matter which woman he selected, he would find himself in a similar position.

2) As stated above and by goUSA himself, things were good in the beginning.  It was only when his own paranoia took over that things went sideways.  Even when he went a little nuts about his finances, his wife tried to make a go of the marriage. Isn't that what sincere people do?

3) Again I do not see her as a gold digger as much as I see him as a man too willing to try and buy love.  Unfortunately, he was buying it with a depleting resource provided to him by others.

This is a cash flow problem as I see it.  GoUS chose to spend money from his inheritance to offer a false sense of affluence to his wife.  How in the world could she know that they were living beyond their means?  Now after some time, goUSA is pissed that he spent so much and in turn blames her.  His situation is the result of his own foolish actions.  He can see the real culprit in all this every morning while he shaves.
KenC

[GreginGa]

Gousa, I think we will probably need to see a picture of your wife to determine if it was worth the time and money. No one here lived with her therefore no one here can clearly assert that the problem was all you.  Of course you made some mistakes along the way and you certainly dont need me or anyone else here to point those out to you. You certainly cant unring the bell,but your story might help some other poor bastage that might be trying this endeavor. I was kinda half way joking about the picture,but was she really hot?