Need advice on winning my girl back.

[mies]

I never said she should have her investigated. He only has her cell phone number. He needs an address to go get on his knees to ask her to take him back. She does not need to know how he found her, only that he put forth the effort and did. What else will he do? Go door to door asking for her? A bit time consuming don't you think?

if the girl does not want to see a guy so much that she does not want to set a meeting with him, or give him her address - do you really think she will be thrilled to see him without notice at her doorstep one day?   

To "ask somebody back" you need to have the relationship first. I am not quite sure they had any relationship at all. It does not look to me like that.

If I specifically don't want to give my address to somebody, and then i see this person at my door - now that's stalking.
I don't have to think what I would do hypothetically. There were two different guys in my life who at different occasions did it. They didn't use the detective, but all the rest - collecting information, getting my address, meeting me at doors kneeled with roses - they did it all. It totally freaked me out. And I am not married to either of them. So. You may want to draw some conclusions from my humble story.

Now imagine that the girl does have a boyfriend, or a girlfriend. Or even got married a week ago. And instead of calling her and having all these things discussed - the OP just gets her address and comes to her home with flowers and ring. You know what will happen then? The variants could be anything starting from him being laughed over, or beaten up by jealous bf/hubby, and up till bf/husband breaking the relationship with this particular girl. And for the silly caprice of one romantic american who decided to use detective instead of talking to girl directly - the love/life of a particular girl can be destroyed.

Dear original poster - don't come uninvited. You have her phone / e-mail - figure everything out directly with her. If she wants to see you - she will tell so. If she doesn't - no point for you to go there. In russian we say "насильно мил не будешь"

[kievstar]

Just a little update.  Rattlehead has not been on this board since November 20th, 2008. 

[mies]

Just a little update.  Rattlehead has not been on this board since November 20th, 2008. 

we know it.

my opinion about using detective service by any man stays unchanged.

[groovlstk]

we know it.

my opinion about using detective service by any man stays unchanged.

I agree completely. I shudder to think what would have happened if I had asked a detective agency to check out my wife while we were dating - she'd have dumped me in a moment and been 100% justified.

Unless you have problems with paranoia, any guy who has doubts should either jump ship or invest the time and effort into resolving the situation.

[Faux Pas]

I agree completely. I shudder to think what would have happened if I had asked a detective agency to check out my wife while we were dating - she'd have dumped me in a moment and been 100% justified.

Unless you have problems with paranoia, any guy who has doubts should either jump ship or invest the time and effort into resolving the situation.

Or get on a plane and go meet, learn her and know for one's self. I had seen the detective agency ads and read the advice to partake. Even saw where some said it was a sure thing she has checked us out in some similar way. An obvious attempt to drum up business I was sure. It never crossed my mind to have a lady checked out. It sure doesn't sound like the way to start off what hopes to be a lifelong relationship, with the shroud of suspicion.

[JR]

we know it.

my opinion about using detective service by any man stays unchanged.

No one asked you to change your mind It's an open discussion, thats all. BTW my Ex's uncle was/is a colonel in the KGB/FSB or whatever they are calling it these days.  Anyway, her father had him 'investigate' me. My Ex told me things about my family I had long ago forgotten. I was not offended in the least. So while others say what they might feel if put into that particular situation but haven't actually "been there, done that" (at least to their knowledge) I can state from experience it was no big deal. Actually I thought "Cool, she knows all about me and my family and still accepts me, thats a good thing."

[Muddy]

Last week, out of the blue, she sent me an email simply expressing that she felt the same as I told her I would about the result of the US Presidential election.  A few weeks ago she wouldn't answer my emails at all anymore.  I guess this means that she wouldn't mind talking with me.  I haven't responded yet.  I'm not sure what to say.  What do you think?

I had a relationship with a ukrainian girl and I did what you did, I wrote a bad email, and should would not write me or talk to me, I send her some emails but she would not answer. My last email to her was on Nov 4 22:50, exactly one month after my last email to her she emaild me on Dec 4 22:55. Maybe she has a one month "no-contact" policy

I think your girl might have found a boyfriend, I hope you answered her email, keep it short but interesting, and see if she replies, keep your email interesting and if you are really interested in her you must go see her. Also, she does not know what you do here, maybe she thinks you have a girlfrind here too. If you really like her and thinking marriage then you should tell her that and what you want from her

[Shadow]

Or she found someone interesting enough to meet and pursue, but it did not work out so she is back to plan B..... 

[Muddy]

Or she found someone interesting enough to meet and pursue, but it did not work out so she is back to plan B..... 

Maybe, mybe, maybe, .....
maybe this, maybe that
who the f-ck really knows

[Muddy]

So much doom and gloom over nothing in this thread.

Rattlehead, it seems you have many questions running around your mind.

Did you misread the tone of her message thanks to the online translator? Probably, it happens all the time.

Do you have a chance with this girl in the future? Sure. People have had much worse arguments and ended up happily together. I've known guys that won over a girl (but not with gifts and flowers) who initially had no attraction and they ended up happily together. The sure way to fail is to not even try.

What exactly was running through her mind when she broke things off? Did she not like you so much? Does she have a boyfriend? Did her friends and family put ideas in her head about the futility of a long distance romance? Was the communciation really frustrating her? Could be any or all of the above. Don't worry about it. You'll never know exactly and you'll go crazy trying to figure it out. It's in the past, move on to the present.

Can she forgive your insult? Women in Russia forgive their husbands and serious boyfriends who beat them and cheat on them all the time. You offended this girl during a heated email argument. No big deal. She already broke the ice and sent you a message. People seem to have missed this. Do you really think she wants to compare thoughts about the election? Hell no. She regrets what happens and used the opportunity as an excuse to rekindle a conversation with you. She's already half way forgiven you. Now it's your turn to take a step.

I've often read on these boards how "Russian Women" are stubborn and unforgiving. They don't say sorry, and they don't say thanks. Funny, that's hasn't been my experience living more than half the year in Russia. I've heard sorry. I hear thanks all the time. Yes, I've met difficult, demanding and unforgiving women in Russia. These are the women Russian men avoid, and so do I. I can see why many women like this would end up on bridal sites. They're not much of a catch back home.

My advice:

Save the romantic flower surprise for a girl you're dating. Don't use it as a way to 'win' a girl's heart. You've already insulted her saying she was using you for gifts. Don't use gifts to get her back. It won't work.

Email her back. You've got nothing to lose by doing so. She wrote to you a week ago, don't let too much time go by before you respond. Tell her you're sorry about what you said, but don't overdo it. There's no need to beg forgiveness on your knees. Tell her you're coming back in January if you really intend to do so. Tell her about your plans to live in Ukraine and simply keep in touch with her. Be friends.

I'm sure she'll be willing to see you again if indeed you end up living in Ukraine. Then take things as they come. You'll also have plenty of chances with other nice women if you end up living in Ukraine. If this girl really liked you, and she probably did, you'll get your chance.

About working in Ukraine, one option is to find work that you can do online, from anywhere. How much time have you spent in Russia or Ukraine? You might be disappointed living there full time.

Take it easy and good luck!

Sharp post

[2tallbill]

 But then quite suddenly (less than two weeks after I returned to the US) she stopped talking to me. 
she sent a response telling me quite casually that she no longer wanted to talk to me because it was difficult to communicate on the phone and she needed dictionaries to write messages and this frustrated and irritated her. 
She also mentioned how it didn't make sense to continue because I was so far away and she didn't know when I was coming back (I promised to in January).  She said she doesn't want to live in America (I think she misunderstood that I went back here for a promising job offer  that I got before I met her and that I don't want to stay here to live).  I was very disappointed and hurt.  What upset me the most was how quickly she gave up, and how cold and emotionless her message seemed.  I wondered how someone could give up so easily and write such a message if they ever cared for me to begin with, so I questioned if she was only pretending to care for me, and then I wondered why someone would do that, and the only reason I could think of was to get a free trip and a few gifts that I gave her.  So I was rather quick to write an email back basically accusing her of doing this.  She said that I was wrong and I must not care for her if I could say that (but I think it's obvious that I was so upset because I cared for her).  She also said that she hated me now.  I was very upset but I tried to forget about her.

You aren't going to win her back, that doesn't work in real life. My advice is to move on.